UNREALITY CHECK

Welcome to the ‘Debt Star’

It’s Darth Selmayr vs Frans Solo in a battle for control of the galaxy.

One of the highlights of the Brussels bubble social calendar is the annual Press Revue, a comedy show staged mainly by journalists. Organized by Geoff Meade, the longtime Brussels correspondent of the U.K. Press Association, and Jacki Davis, former editor of European Voice, the show features satirical sketches and musical numbers mining the rich comedic vein that is the European Union.

This year’s production, performed last Saturday and entitled “The Farce Awakens,” included a musical lament about the number of Brussels “Meetings” (sung to the tune of “Feelings”), a visit to the EU treaty repair shop, a reading from the Poet Laureate of the Press Room, and a “trial” of departing Financial Times bureau chief Peter Spiegel on charges of being too American. The European Commission spokespeople also got into the act, poking fun at the journalists who torment them daily but also showing a refreshing willingness to lampoon themselves.

The show also featured a “Star Wars”-themed sendup of the obsession with Martin Selmayr, the apparently all-powerful chief of staff to the European Commission president, casting him as commander of the “Debt Star.” Here, a behind-the-scenes peek at the script for that sketch.

The Debt Star

 

“Ode to Joy” music starts and we hear a suitably deep voice

 

VOICEOVER

Welcome to the Debt Star, the capital of Europa, center of power in the known universe, home to a supragalactic federation … and also a city in Belgium.

 

Music switches to Imperial March from Star Wars

 

The empire is now in the grip of a man who rules with absolute power, whose word is final. He can kill his enemies with a thought, a gesture, or a directive … Or worse, reassign them to a job in the farthest reaches of the galaxy … such as Luxembourg.

 

His name, which many dare not speak, is …

 

Lights slowly up on a man standing with back to audience, breathing ominously and heavily into his microphone, he slowly turns as voice over intones

 

… Darth Selmayr

 

(DARTH SELMAYR turns to face audience as phone rings)

 

DARTH SELMAYR

(answering phone)

 

Hello, you’ve reached the Debt Star. This is Darth Selmayr. How may you help me?

 

(begins one-way conversation with Angela Merkel)

 

Yes, chancellor. All is going according to my plan — I mean, your plan. The rebel alliance is defeated, supreme power has been concentrated in the Secretariat General, and we now no longer accept credit cards.

 

What’s that? Yes, I know, we’re concerned about a young new rival to my rule of the Dark Side. He’s brash and throws tantrums, smashes things up if he doesn’t get his way. But he still has the power to destroy the entire empire. His name is Kylo Renzi … Don’t worry, chancellor, I will defeat him, or at least make sure his allies are all sent into a black hole.

 

Yes, chancellor, by your command, as always.

 

(Bows deeply to no one in particular as he hangs up)

 

A LIEUTENANT enters

 

LIEUTENANT

Darth Selmayr, Lord of the Dark Side, commander of the Debt Star, ultimate ruler of the far reaches of the eurocratic galaxy and chief of staff to the president of the —

 

DARTH SELMAYR

ENOUGH! You may refer to me simply as “senior EU official”…

 

LIEUTENANT

Yes, Lord Selm — er, sorry, senior EU official. I have bad news. One of our top commanders has defected to the rebel alliance.

 

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DARTH SELMAYR

Who is this traitor? I shall have him vaporized, or worse, appointed as a special adviser!

 

LIEUTENANT

This one might not be so easy to defeat. He’s gone rogue, speaking out against you on planets across the galaxy, in most of the known languages.

 

DARTH SELMAYR

You mean it’s —

 

LIEUTENANT

Yes, it’s Frans Solo…. He’s talking about our new proposal for cutting red tape as we take over the galaxy: You know he’s always on about his Better Annihilation plan.

 

DARTH SELMAYR

NOT AGAIN! I thought I had sent him on a mission to silence the rebellion in the Visegrád system. We need to handle this properly. Spinning is not so easy in zero-gravitas. This calls for desperate measures. We must attack with our deadliest messaging weapon: the Drones.

 

Bring me the chief drone, Margaritis, the one known as Mar-Mar Binks.

 

ENTER DRONE MARGARITIS, looking bored and annoyed

 

MARGARITIS

(snaps to attention)

Yes, senior EU official! Whatever you have said, I will deny it! Even if it is true.

 

Pause, pause, pause, they both laugh evilly

 

DARTH SELMAYR

Not now, Mar-Mar. It’s something more serious. Frans Solo is defying my command. We must attack at once, Margaritis. Drone! Hand me my lightsaber!!

 

MARGARITIS

Lord Selmayr, I don’t have your lightsaber.

 

DARTH SELMAYR

(holds hand up as MARGARITIS begins to choke)

What do you mean you don’t have my lightsaber!

 

(MARGARITIS is choking more)

What do you have?

 

MARGARITIS

(released from choking)

I do have this White Paper. We could attack with this first, then have an off-the-record technical briefing later?

 

DARTH SELMAYR

Very well. Nothing is deadlier than a White Paper.

 

They march off stage

 

VOICE OVER

Be sure to return next year for the sequel: “The Empire Goes on Strike.”

 

Credits roll